You and your candy can kiss my ass!

If my daddy was able to give me all the money I wanted, I'd start my own candy store too. Argh. I am bitter, for no good reason, and my bitterness has been stirred by Dylan Lauren and her damn candy shop. I went there—a small and very uncharacteristic pilgrimage to the most pretentious rung of hell the Upper East Side— and was thoroughly unimpressed. The logo is hideous. I chipped a tooth on a piece of her candy. I'd hoped for some sort of Wonka wonderland, but instead it was an ugly, ordinary place. And I think I even got a blister schlepping all the way back to the west side where I belong. All in all, my Dylan's Candy Bar adventure was a horrible experience. The NYT article does nothing but piss me off because she has the money to start an unprofitable business just for fun. Kiss. My. Ass.

And now I want some candy. Damn it. Waa waa waa.

Busted, Daily View 12/30

A too too shaming moment in the lobby of Citibank this morning... Was standing in line for the ATM, minding my own and listening to my iPod. Because I also use my iPod as a portable hard drive, I have the 60GB version, which has plenty of room for all the 3000-or-so songs in my music library... the good songs and the bad songs. Maybe it was the pleasantly lulling sunlight filtering in through the windows, end of the year exhaustion, New Yorker apathy... dunno, but a moment of absolute silence fell over the lobby. Since I was blasting music into my ears, I felt the hush rather than heard it—it was one of those weird moments of stillness where people pause and glance furtively at each other to see if they're the only ones who've been hit, etc. It caused me to reach into my pocket and turn off my music, at which point the guy in front of me turned around, looked me up and down, grinned a smart-ass grin at me and said:
"You know, you really don't look like someone who would listen to N'Sync."

Fuck. I had nothing to say in my defense—the Pod was on random shuffle and Bye Bye Bye had indeed been the last thing playing. Like I said, the whole library... the good AND the bad. Sigh.

If my life were a movie, the guy would have been attractive, I would have come back with some snappy comment like "Well, my Norwegian electronica is in the shop" (??), we would have chuckled, got coffee and walked off into the sunset. As it was, the guy was a paunchy middle aged Dominican papi and I was too mortified to do more than blush and look pissy.

(For the record, I was wearing my standard daily uniform of ratty, ill-fitting jeans and miscellaneous black cotton clothing. Little knit hat, black military jacket, pirate vans. From now on I'll be sure to wrap myself firmly in volume-control paranoia before leaving the house. Sheesh.)

Daily View, 12/30 (a slim list today... things always get a bit less interesting around the hols).

• I find these horrifying nails strangely fascinating. WHY would you do this??


• I am a custard girl. Love the stuff. Must check out this place for some cheap eggy satisfaction.


• Last night I discovered Draw A Pig. This provided myself and many Threadlessers with hours of entertainment. My pig drawing apparently reveals that I am a stubborn and distrustful yet friendly realist who remembers birthdays, is an OK listener, and sees medium amounts of sexual action. Sure, why not. Almost all of that is true.

Daily View, 12/21-12/28

Lots of links today... been wandering around in a holidaze for the last week.

• Smellable websites. As with the scentable ringtones, the porn industry must be over the moon.


• Hey, I'd walk through the Financial District with Sigourney Weaver anytime, as weird as that is. Love her.


• Thanks to Ginna for this article on Turkish Delight—I had a similar experience of rose-scented disillusionment with the Lion, the Witch, and the Really Foul Candy.


• Choose your own Samsung-ad flavored adventure with anyfilms.net, which allows you to configure pieces of a film to make your own story... the future of entertainment? I dunno, but there is underwear involved so I guess it was supposed to be fun and sexy. Sigh.


• Doane Paper presents the legal-graph pad hybrid. I really think this has to have been done before, but these guys have a downloadable pdf, so... score.


• Here's an odd dilemma. About a week ago I ordered something from an artist's website. Two days ago I found out she's been fatally hit by a bus. Terrible tragedy, of course, but my credit card has been charged... am I a total asshole if I inquire about my order?


• The Top Ten Lists are upon us. My current fave, just because it's got a lot of "so damn odd" things on it: Coolhunting: 2005 In Review: Most Popular Posts. Their list of Josh's favorites has some good stuff on it too if you like stuff (they need to come up with a term like 'bling' that applies only to geeks already. Ok fuck it, I'm making one up now: KEEGE.. E-Geek backwards. Applies to obsessive online product hunting/hunters and their finds... as in, "Have you seen the new Maloo laptop cases? So keege..." Purr it out... keeeeejjjjhhh. I'm going to drop it and see if it breaks. Hahaha)


• Bunnies are cute (don't miss the second photo down), but SIXTEEN BABY PANDAS are a sign of the apocalypse of cute.


• Enya is the bane of my existence. This article pretty much sums up why.


• What sort of crazy lazy bastard needs these chopsticks???


• I can't decide if I'm OCD enough to actually be a candidate for the germaphobe toothbrush thingy... hmmm....


• The Ricky Gervais Show continues to improve every week (and is now available as a podcast subscription from iTunes, not just the Guardian website)—show #4 is worth a listen just to hear Karl make a case against the Heifer Project, and Monkey News was good this week too (I was actually weeping with laughter after Ricky barked out "Look at that slovenly ape!!")


• RIP: Vincent Schiavelli and Anne Bancroft (who died in June... I just found out about it).


• In wierd gadget news, some asshole gives his kid an empty Xbox box for Christmas and an iPod package contains nothing but meat.


• If you've made it this far, I'm impressed. Last one: a crazy man was overheard proclaiming "Liza Minnelli is incapable of love!" repeatedly on the corner of 33rd & 7th. Had I overheard this in person, I would have had to stop for a laugh. Poor crazy Liza.

Whatnot

Blogs the 12 year old on Threadless:
"lets face it, everyone stereotypes. i stereotype, my parents do, my friend do, everyone does. everybody addresses this issue and talk about how the world would be better if no one stereotyped and whatnot."

One of many random responses:
"'whatnot'
You must be some white-devil cracka ass bastard. Cause only some whitey livin in the suburbs uses that phrase."

I'm still laughing, actually. Oy.

Daily View 12/21

• Yes, yes, transit strike is on. I am completely unaffected, since I work from home, and have a very fucked up sense of feeling left out of something most people would be happy not to be a part of. Sigh. Meanwhile, trusty Gothamist has been running great coverage, complete with photoblogs, transit strike party ideas and a "Most Inconvenient Commute" contest. And of course there is this ass on his segue.


• Kate Moss bounces back from her coke bust in a new Virgin mobile commercial. I agree, it is kind of strangely fascinating to hear her speak. Though I think she should do ads for Coca-Cola now... that would be true brilliance.


• I'm slowly becoming convinced that Josh Spear is totally useless. Actually, I'm becoming weary of coolhunters in general. They all hit the same shit at once and half the time I already have it... and I'm not even someone who's into kix and bling. Sigh.


• Apparently nobody believes the internet, which may be wise in certain cases but seems kind of luddite technophobe to me. But then, of course, I am hardly to be trusted...


• Lazy gamers, rejoice. The head pillow is here to brighten your life (uh... wow).


• I love everything about the Annie Lennox/Orlando Bloom situation, including the visual image of CD burning parties and Legolas worship. My inner gay male is highly amused.


• A judge in PA has ruled that intelligent design is unconstitutional. No shit. Am over the moon that finally someone (a Republican, no less!) is showing some sense, and that the dismal future prospect of having to homeschool my kids (my, how the tables will turn if the biblethumpers get their way) looms slightly less large.


• Speaking of Republicans, madeyouthink.org is furthering (or responsible for??) the Bush-flag in poo trend. Rock on. Download and print your own poo flags!


• Must have been inspired by the knit willies and grenades lately, but I have knit a ninja. This one (here's another pic) was a prototype. Now I actually have to go find some black yarn. My boss wants one. My programmer wants one. Some guy in Norway from Threadless wants one. Side business?

Daily View 12/19

• Reasons to love New York, from NY Magazine.


• What is with the stupid ass people and their grenades? First, some guy packs one in his suitcase, then some kid brings one to school. If you really need one, buy a knit grenade (scroll down, past the knit willy) and be done with it. Sheesh.


• My roommate uses one. My parents always put one in my room when I was sick. While I'm still dubious about their effectiveness as more than a mist-making bacteria machine, if I was going to buy a humidifier I would buy the silliest humidifier on the market. That doesn't even look like a damn panda.


• The Gap apparently pulled their Spike Jonze ad (which I will take over Joss Stone's ass anyday) in an effort to be taken more seriously. *Yawn*.


• Another cool NYC thing that I missed because I was sitting at home on my ass: Unsilent Night, where everyone runs around with boomboxes creating an ambient holiday chaos of good cheer.


• The SNL Narnia rap is making the rounds. The Chronic-WHAT?-cles of Narnia, yo!

Virtual pets

Incredibly stupid... but kinda fun. I gotta stop hanging out with 14 year olds on Threadless, though. Fuck.

Daily View 12/16

• Always glad to see the Güt: The Guttenberg Returneth


• $12 and a shred of dignity, indeed. WTF: the Meal Helper. I frequently eat at my desk while working (alas), and this product is flabbergasting to me. I'd either get totally distracted waving my spoon and forky fingers around in the air, or I'd spill food everywhere trying to maneuver the damn thing. Bizarre.


• Damn it. The transit strike doesn't affect me. I was hoping to be able to use it as an excuse not to go out this weekend. Sad but true.


• If I went to concerts this might be cool. I feel like the fact that I'm even remotely interested by it marks me as a product of 1) the 70s & 80s, 2) the Heartland. Sigh.

Daily View, 12/15

• I don't know about you, but this whole Hot Pot thing sounds amazing to me. Damn, I miss my asian posse from college—it there was a guaranteed culinary outing every weekend.


• GDBar mentions two very cool upcoming things: the Pixar thing at MOMA and a Marathon figure drawing session, complete with DJs and costumes! Sounds very cool...


• Great idea. Hideous product. Meet Compartment Man.


• Coke Blak... truly baffling, even by European standards. And blak?? Come on.


• I read stuff like this NYTimes travel article and start gteting annoyed... but excited to travel. Fuck, where is my voltage adapter, anyway? Hm...


• Yeah, I saw Kong. And then I promptly went for a beer to recover. My friend Ken brilliantly summed it up by saying that when it was good it was amazing, but when it was bad it was "spectacularly bad, like cat shit on a chocolate cake". The Village Voice review is full of nice gemmy quips like "the only thing stronger than the spaghetti straps of her chemise will be Kong's love." They also point out that "there is nothing in the new Kong to compare with the censored moment in the original when the ape rips off Fay Wray's flimsy wrapper and then, curiosity aroused, sniffs his fingers." Hm, perhaps because the big guy has no balls... literally (I tried to find a still shot but googling "king kong testacles" produces results of quite a different sort).


• Meanwhile, National Geographic had to get in on Kong by pointing out that the science of Kong's island is unrealistic. No shit, schoolmistress. Sigh.


• Toxic killer whales? Hollywood needs to get off its ass already—the future is not in space, it's here on this planet. Mutations and global warming all make for a number of riveting acton thrillers (not to mention cautionary tales). I'm writing one now.


• The Wednesday one-liners at Overheard in New York were great this week (or maybe that was because I was drunk last night): see here and here and here.

80s music

I blame the 40-Year-Old Virgin—I watched that last night and today all I want is 80s music. Of course, in these days of downloading, getting your Mr. Mister on is easy as pie. Procrastinating to read articles that label Starship's We Built This City as one of the worst songs of all time (hahahahahahaha... I agree, yet that doesn't mean I haven't had it on repeat for the last five minutes) is also incredibly easy. Ok, now I'm ashamed. Switching to Mr. Roboto.

Daily View, 12/13

• This looks like an upcoming flick I will enjoy. Love Martin Freeman. Love those supporting players from Bridget Jones (Perpetua) and Shaun of the Dead (Yvonne). Love the Brits. Love everything. Will definitely be seeing Confetti. (No, am not drunk.)


• Knit madness. First, the knit willy, cigarette, grenade, etc. from crazy people at CastOff (who also had a knit wedding—thanks for the link, Ginna!). Then, someone else recommended crochetmycrotch.com, which I am still afraid to enter—haven't made it past the pink welcome screen yet. Then finally, someone else told me about the giant pink knit bunny that is on the side of a mountain in Italy. Am amazed at what yarn and a little imagination can do.


• Wow, and I thought my former neighbor who made a giant lawn sea-serpent out of lights every holiday season was making a statement—he's got nothing on these guys. UPDATE: more on this from Gothamist.


• Fuck yes, hell has frozen over and someone other than myself has actually posted to the GraphicDesignBar Forum!!!


• Another useless iProduct: the iFish. Sigh.


• Spam of the day: From someone named Homerus Sweeney, subject: "vermin it venusian, it Cherise". Couldn't make this stuff up.

Pac-Lan

I'm sorry, but real live Pac-Man? I think that would be nothing but fun... though the costumes would be a bit awkward.

Daily View, 12/11

• Apparently creatives have more sex. This is not a reality for any of the creatives I know... guess you have to be famous and a painter. Sheesh.


• Damn, baby animals are cute, it just can't be denied. Gothamist always throws up cute animal photos on Sunday, and these make me want to get myself another pet (mistake... mistake... must talk myself out of that!). I never knew my fat cat as a kitten, so kittens are kind of fascinating to me. But a pain in the ass, I am told. Anyway, look at the cuties.


• Another Gothamist gem: Map of the Manhattan Coastline... cool and troubling.


• Another week, another Ricky Gervais show. The first one was just ok, though it featured this particular quote that I feel like I need to tattoo onto my forehead: "I believe in logic and the laws of the universe." It was said in response to his mate's rambling about some supernatural happening. He then told his friend straight up, "I can't answer that question because I'd have to base my beliefs on some of your premises, which I can't do." These are thoughts I have every day. Sigh. Word, Ricky. Word.


• Hazardous nanotechnology? What the fuck??


• I guess it was inevitable... iUnderwear.

More random thoughts on Narnia

Nice article in Slate about how most kids miss the allegory and love the Narnia books because of the adventure. That was totally, absolutely and undeniably me. I think I am fundamentally non-Christian—I was never really interested in Aslan. He never did it for me. My least favorite parts of the books are when he appears. Ha, so even as a kid I was not down with Jesus.

My favorites of the books are the Silver Chair, the two young Caspian books, the Horse and His Boy and the Magician's Nephew. Jill and Eustace are the characters I like the best, across the novels. I never had much use for any of the Pevensies except Edmund, the little shit that he was.

Lewis is accused of being a racist but as far as I'm concerned he's just stuck in the same old-white-man mid-century rut that Tolkien sits in—product of their times, programmed to mistrust the exotic and stay comfortably at home for tea with the other white folks. Tolkien and Lewis both mistreat their darker-skinned characters, but I don't think it's legit to cry racism when they both also created worlds where characters of all shape, size, color and species intermingle and communicate and navigate their differences. Context, peeps. Meanwhile, the Horse and His Boy was fascinating to me as a child—the complex maze of the city, the desert outside the gate, the turbans and the litters and the "O the delight of my eyes" language. Yes, it's all an odd Middle Eastern sendup but when you're a kid and not yet quite acquainted with the world it serves as a nice gateway. I feel like Lewis and Tolkien, both so capable of expanding their minds into fictional worlds of myth (or faith), both operate on a pathetically yet not-unexpected juvenile level when dealing with cultural references to other parts of the real world—but it works, because juveniles are reading the books. Racism only applies if you are an ignorant adult thinking "boy, these Calormenes are just like them damn Arabs"... sheesh.

Meanwhile, trusty Adam Gopnik has a good article in the New Yorker about it all.

Daily View, 12/9

• My Beating Heart... great idea (especially as a surrogate napping ground for my cat, who won't leave me the hell alone while I'm sitting at my desk... always wanting to snore with his head on my chest while I try to type around his fatness. Cute but annoying as hell.), but not for $120. Sheeeeesh.


• People have been ripping off the MTA and creating their own versions of subway signs. Part of me laughs, part of me wishes some guy would declare his love for me in this very stupid manner. Haha. And the comments are pretty funny, especially if you're a designer/typographer. Muhahaha.


• I kinda love this Maloo laptop case, though why you'd want a felt mousepad is beyond my comprehension...


• That wierd Maple Syrup Smell is back on the streets of NY...


• I don't know what I find creepier/funnier, Ruth Marshall's knit animal pelts or the sheer amount of ASS on the Coolhunting website via the American Apparel ads...


• Fuck. Circuit City has a nice deal on a Gamecube bundle via Consumerist. I may finally have to cement the fact that will never leave the house again by buying something to play video games on.


• The Fantastic Four and Dukes of Hazzard both came out on video Tuesday—there must be some sort of breast master plan. I had the misfortune of renting both, because... well, let's face it, at this point I'll watch just about anything. Not much to say about Fantastic Four, except that I wish poor Ioan Gruffudd (love him... LOVE HIM) would stop trying to infiltrate Hollywood via crappy blockbusters (King Arthur? Ioan...). Aside from Ioan, it was crap. Jessica Alba is hot, Michael Chiklis is not. Wasn't that what it said on the posters?
  
  Bizarrely, I have much more to say about the Dukes of Hazzard. I grew up watching the original Dukes—my brother had a General Lee big wheel (appalling, looking back, considering we were the only white family on an all black street. How the hell did that fly?) and my babysitter had a huge crush on John Schneider (I was too young to appreciate that then, but I understand it now. The man was and always will be adorable, as Bo Duke or Papa Kent or whatever. HummanaHummanaHummana Halahala Yum). My dad chuckled at the misadventures of Roscoe P. Coltrane and Flash, the big hounddog. Matchbox cars were launched into the air and occasionally we yelled "Yeeeeeehaww!" like big hillbillies. But this vague sense of Hazzard nostalgia was not enough to make me enjoy the new version, which is basically crap. But the people sure are pretty. Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott both appeal to me on some fucked up level. Yes, yes, Jessica Simpson sure is fit and could probably kill a man with her rack. Even Burt Reynolds is pretty as Boss Hogg—which is just wrong. Boss Hogg was never and should never be pretty. But pretty people, boobs and a whole lot of car stunts don't make for a movie I enjoy. At this point, I'm afraid to revisit the original show on DVD, in case there is even a slim chance it's as bad as this new movie (it probably is). I'll just let out a quiet little yeehaw here at my desk and leave my warped nostalgia intact. Sigh.

Daily View, 12/7

• Today's spam gem—subject line: Andy private dogsucking


• The word Podcast has been officially entered into the dictionary.


• Good ole howstuffworks.com has a nice breakdown of How Narnia Works. I loved these books as a kid (and read them in published order, thank you very much—screw this chronological bullshit that's in bookstores now), having absolutely no idea about the Jesusness of it all. In fact, I specifically remember when I learned that there were underground christian messages in there... I was heartbroken and felt as though I'd been part of something a little dirty. I am wary of the new film (though who am I kidding, I'll definitley see it). I don't want to sit in a theatre distracted by the possibility that the strangers all around me are quietly filled with god's love and all that crap. They should segregate us and have separate showings for the biblethumpers and the fantasists. The damn christians are taking over and I'm about to lose my brain. ARGH.


• Interesting article in the Village Voice today about Fantasy in Fashion. Mentioned in the article, the always fun products of Fred Flare.


• Rather cool, indeed: E-paper display in Tokyo. Was just trying to convince a luddite friend last night that the publishing industry is embracing more digital options—this is a nice arguing piece.

Daily View, 12/6

• Ha, so London apparently has conflicting views about the Bride of Coldplay too. I knew it.


• Poor Dakota Fanning has ended up on the 50 Coldest People in Hollywood list. I'm assuming Nicole Kidman will be at the top of it... creating a perfect mother-daughter opportunity for some timely screenplay. Though since Dakota just played Tom Cruise's daughter in that stinkfest War of the Worlds, does that mean that legally she has to wait a designated amount of time before playing the offspring of his ex-wife? Hm. Michael Vartan was in a movie with J.Lo before the media wax had fully cooled over his ex (Jennifer Garner) and almost former Mr. Lopez (Ben Schmaffleck).


• Calexico and Iron & Wine are playing tonight at Webster Hall... and I can't go, which blows. Their recent collaboration In the Reins was excellent.


• Wow. Cell phones for dogs. Not kidding.


• Ah, gadgetry. There is now a telephoto lens for your cellphone. Oh, and a Hello Kitty speaker blob that is aptly described as looking like "the result of a sexual union between Hello Kitty and a deformed marshmallow". Sheesh.


• Not all technological developments are truly useless, however... someone came up with colored bubbles—I mean Zubbles!

ARRRR!

My pirate name is:

Bloody Anne Flint

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Shuffle Woes

The iPod Shuffle has been voted white trash gadget of the year (or something like that) by the Brits. This pains me slightly, because I got one for free and the damn thing really is perfect for when you're out running. However, since being raised in a Red State has given me a minute degree of redneck paranoia (I believe this weekend I was heard to say "I won't wear anything that is too farmgirl!"), I will have to conceal my Shuffle next time I hit the park for a jog. Because yes, I'm just that stupid about it. I knew the Shuffle was cursed, though, from the minute that crucifix lanyard became available... *shudder*

p.s. Never liked Burberry plaid, though. Glad that was properly dissed.

Snow, Daily View, 12/5

Wow. It's December and suddenly we have snow. Snow in New York is not like movie snow, or midwestern snow, or anything resembling what snow should be. I'm convinced that snow in New York actually falls from the sky brown and smelling of piss. Sigh. I'm not quite mentally ready yet to find myself in the middle of the city with a runny nose, jeans soaked to the knee, dirty slush blazing a trail up the back of my coat, and a face paralyzed into a crone's mask by urban winds. Woo.

• The New York Times actually has an article about how Wikipedia is not always a reliable source of information. No shit.


• Apparently you can refuse to let the piggies search your bag on the subway: here's how.


• Latest intriguing/disturbing/bizarre spam subject line: "Have comb be penetrative".


• Rumor has it that Brad Pitt is legally co-adopting Angelina Jolie's children. Can't wait to hear what Maddox has to say about it in his blog Automaddox, which hasn't seen a new word in a while but still makes me laugh. Maybe it's the mohawk, but I have a soft spot for wee Mad.


• After a rare dose of TV this weekend, I now know about the existence of Humanzees (though this is a Wikipedia link, so don't go using this info to write your term papers or legal briefs, dumbasses), animated vagina cams (though this link isn't to the actual program viewed, because the Discovery Channel's website SUCKS), and feral children. I swear, if I actually had cable at home I would never leave my damn apartment!


• The Ricky Gervais Show is now up and running via Podcast! I hope it's funny...


• Love this anti-Sony grafitti—any rhyme that features the words "I'll teabag a mime" shows the promise of brilliance.


• Thank you, Gizmodo! Finally someone else agrees with me that the Jimi wallet is total crap.


• I am not a huge fan of Christmas. This Tate Modern tree of gloom is right up my alley, sadly enough. Love ravens. Love trees. Hate Christmas. Why cant' the pagans take this holiday back already?


• Why do so many people hate the word "moist'? George's mom on Dead Like Me, all these random ass Threadless people... baffling.